lookin

natalia said is something in the air. or the moon. just energy. been in a funk for more than a minute and its driving me to some have anxiety and frustations i cant seem to keep down. me hace pensar mas en las locuras de mi familia. the way la locura is passed on. whether behaviorly or genetically and there is no denying it, looking at my two sisters and me and thinking about my two parents and what i know of their childhoods it almost seems sickly obvious. y me hace pensar si nosotros, yo mis hermanas, nuestras parejas deberian no reproducir. no se se me meten tantas cosas en la cabeza que ni puedo enfocar en lo que quiero decir. quiero dejar esta rabia que cargo, una rabia que influye, acentua, cobija todo lo que hago aunque no lo veo, lo niego lo normalizo y queda invilibilizado. ya no se que hacer de la persona que tiene tantas cosas buenas en la vida, tantas cosa bonitas, inteligente, vida aventurosa, experencias interesantes un respeto, admiracion y cariño de los de mas y no sabe reconocerlo. no sabe valorarse ni respetarse ni perdonarse. y es algo como un circulo vicioso. que el haga tantas cosas buenas y bonitas pero que no los puede ver y se deprime y se siente mal y se enloquece por que no sabe, como tener compassion con si mismo aunque se empuja hasta los limites para poder encontrar la capacidad para tenerlo para los de mas y lo encuentra, no logra ahorrar las ultimas goticas para el mismo. para tener ese atento, con sus necesidades. en cambio, el mismo se esconde, bajo una lema antiquada de humildad, se castiga por cosas que existen en su cabeza, en su perspectiva, cosas que los demas, les resbala, no es what he wants it to be, and the answers are not going to be found in one place or in one piece. suspiro... but that rage needs to go, that intolerance for myself needs to go, the impatience, the harsh tones, grumpyness and jumpyness... it doesnt matter where it came from who created it or why its still in me but i need to just let go, release, breathe, breathe, breathe, center. and it works for some moment when all my skills are togehter and i have focused enough on him, me... than i can manage it just so slightly... but currently it is fleeting, it washes away like pollen in rain, it doesnt know how to resist, how to dig its roots into substrate of the mind and make that place its habitat, permanently... forgive the soil of the brain for its venemous toxins it held onto for so long and just replenish it self, restore and reestablish with life and love and creativity and free spirited ness. those are beuatiful thoughts and than life happens and i get distracted and i dont know what happened...and im back at, grrrrrr. growing up, thinking i was happy, trying to convince myself i was great and normal enough to get along with everyone regardless of who they were i never ever ever though that i could be an older person struggling with mental health, with sanity with being capable of loving one self and its weird for me, because and each day goes by there are more and more experiences of all sorts of different people que se enfrentan a sus diablos y logran salir con una vida mucho mas bonita y positiva y no encuentro con quien relacionarme, con quien inspirarme, con quien tomar un ejemplo que habla a las profundidades de mi ser para poder tratar de imitar, aprender, seguir. y volvemos al circulo por que ando con con el con quien me inspira, y como aprender y que pensaba de niño y nada de estoy toma en cuenta del relajate, sueltalo, deja que las cosa te resbala. reconosca la increible que tienes en la vida, las cosas marvillosas, que sea tu pareja tus ambiciones o tus amistades, tienes mucho y te falta meterlo en la cabeza con ese arbol de equilibrio. reecordar la paciencia y amor y simplemente, tomarlo easy. really, todo, esta alright... and then i just start thinking about how a lot of the people i care for may not speak to me easliy or openly because of how direct and harsh i can be, regardless of my intention, and i could easily get wrapped up in the sandstorm of negative thoughts or, instead of trying to find the peace to calm down, i just need to chill the fuck out, a las buenas o a las malas. no other way, aparentemente.