struggling with emotions

this is hard, really hard, much harder than i could have ever imagined. i could not wish this upon any one, i am not capable of wishing such pain, desperation, such sadness. we are in a process, a movement, and one that is for the long haul and there have never been pretensions of defeating one or two projects but to completely change a model from its roots, none the less, it is easier to say that and maintain your composure from the cities, looking at the images on a computer screen. meanwhile in the territory, the desperation abounds, and more when everything piles up; it is getting hotter and there are few trees to escape the sun´s rays, the birds are desperate looking for where to land, without a perch in sight. i act alone lately. i walk alone. walking the territory every day, as always, with a machete and a camera, nothing else, remembering the memories of the places, the places that it is hard to acknowledge that they will no longer be there. they have robbed us of everything. i cry for las peñas, for the 4 bili bil in las peñas that took care of soo many of us. and it is not to unacknowledge the other thousands of lives torn from their roots, but these 4 were of the most intimate relation and in that space under their branches and leaves they were witness to the preparing of meals, people resting, playing soccer, ceremonies and rituals, babies were even made there ;) . how many nights they watched over me as i would sleep on the beach, laid out on the sand, with no tent, all alone, alone. and all was good. the river took the beach away because of the peoples´ indifference, the lack of action and the beaches of las peñas have been reclaimed by the river for the last couple of months before… who knows. i lost the place where i was able to really reconcile with sleep, with rest. it really was the only place that i sleep well, on the sand, next to the river, under the bili bil and the screeches of the parrots in the morning. currently, i can´t sleep more than 3 or 4 hours with waking up, uncomfortable, exhausted, frustrated. i think of all the places, from the paso de colegio up to peñalta; las cuchas, el peñón, san josé, el hueco, las juntas, la cañada, la escalereta, el balseadero, san josé de belén, la yaguilga, los cocos, veracruz, rioloro, la honda, bengala, domingo arias and the list goes on… and this is for the long haul and if you look at human history, struggle is the only way to change things, everything else is a distraction… please less cyber activists and more people in the streets and in the rural areas. i get a lot of crazy ideas, a lot, it is prolly better that my body is not in the best shape and i am forced to stay still, recuperate, though…. who knows. i still want my last trip down river on an inner tube to who knows where we can go to, though, none the less, with or without the fucking piece of shit puddle this territory is still ours and for that, we have to roam it, there is no other way.